Heart Confessions, To You.

Sometimes, I just simply feel guilty.
Guilty because you spent money, because you used your money.
I know, you asked me not to feel guilty, because it's normal.
But I really don't feel good every time I see you take out your wallet, take out notes to pay for something.
Even if it's just a plate of maggie goreng at Subaidah.

Yes, on my birthday you just want to celebrate with me, to make me happy, by bringing me to somewhere more exquisite, somewhere more expensive compared to the places we eat at on normal days.
Of course I want to, who wouldn't want to on his or her birthday?
But every time when we talk about that, I have that sickening guilty feeling swelling up in my chest, and I just don't want anymore.
Because you told me what your grandma told you, I feel worse.
So no, I don't want.
Yet you kept insisting on going to somewhere to eat, and want me to choose a place.
Of course, I remember, last night I told you we would do a survey, and see where I want to eat.
When I told you that, I did think of going to Chicago's Rib House, 7 Bistro, Chili's..
But still no, no means no.
I wouldn't feel good if we eat there and it's like so expensive and you're going to pay all.
And I did expect surprise, but I should have known better, there's no surprise, and will not be any surprise.

I'm not complaining, I'm just merely reminding myself I have a very straight and dumb boyf who has no romantic cells in his whole body.

People celebrate their birthday like so grandly, go out with friends, take hundreds of pictures, at hotels, at home...
To me a birthday is just another day, it doesn't mean a damn thing, it's just a significance of someone getting another year older.
Or maybe like what Gerald said, wiser.
Okay, maybe it is some day, a day that we would expect people we love to celebrate with us.
Not grandly, maybe just a lunch or a dinner, with a small present.
Or, even more simpler, just cuddling on a couch watching movies whole day with someone you love.
That's all.

Maybe sometimes I sound harsh, or unhappy, or angry, but really, I'm actually just feeling very speechless and   tired of explaining and repeating the same thing over and over again, because you just won't listen.
So I sometimes choose to stop replying your messages instead.

Ily, I really do, despite all the matters.